Note: This was originally written for a column in a magazine but never got published...
Back in my single days, I was always baffled by hearing other men talk about “game,” how much they had, and how they used it to advance their objectives (exploits) in a relational context. From these conversations and discussions, I uncovered their definition of “game.” To them, “game” was their uncanny ability to attract women based on superficial characteristics, such as the appearance of how much money they had, how handsome they were, how good they appeared to be in bed, and how into their “prey” they seemed to be. Often times, this meant that they would lie, rob, steal, and cheat to get whatever they wanted whenever they could. This concept of “game” allowed these men to think that they were God’s gift to women and if successful, they could convince their women that they were special, that it was OK to let down their guards, that they were the “only ones,” to lend them money haphazardly, and to sacrifice their bodies in the name of “love.”
Ironically, these were the same men whose conversations transitioned to how some women snapped on them and pulled a “Thin Line Between Love and Hate” or a “Waiting to Exhale” on them. As their perplexity diminished, I continued to ask, “Why do you have to lie to kick it?" That’s not “game.” “Game” is being a man of integrity and telling the truth. So many men looked at me as if I was speaking a foreign language where they just could not comprehend. “Game” is a reflection of maturity as well as security. If I man has it “going on,” that should speak for itself. He should not have to brag or highlight whether or not he has money, drives a nice car, lives in a big house, etc. to get a woman's attention. A women will come to know those things in due time.
If a man looks good, he should know it already. He does not have to look in the mirror all day (unless he’s a Kappa), take pictures of himself half naked and send them to you via text or on Facebook. And he does not have to constantly ask you how he looks, he should know it. Anyone who needs to be so absorbed in themselves to this magnitude, is insecure and women need to guard themselves emotionally.
Granted, there is no “Golden Rule” as to how fast two people can fall in love, but just meeting some one, talking to them on the phone several times, and going out on a date or two in a week’s time does not constitute “loving” someone. “Lusting” someone perhaps but not “loving” someone. Talking about what he’s going to do to you sexually before you have sex is a “no no” as well and you should be cautious to not have big expectations (no pun intended). Once again, if you have to talk about it, it’s not all that. “Demonstrate don’t placate.”
Finally, if you just met a man last week, chances are he’s not a hermit. He was probably dating someone else before you met. It’s OK to admit that you are seeing other people when you are single. But if a man says, “you are the only one in my life” you should run because that’s just not realistic.
In summary, I have a vested interest in helping couples stay together and avoid being part of the ever-growing 50+% of divorced couples in America. How couples begin their relationships usually determines the same vices of how they will end. I strongly believe that women play a vital role in raising the bar for successful relationships/marriages. Please take heed and know that the truth is powerful and it does set you free. So many people get caught trying to keep up facades, trying to recall what lies were told to whom in order to continue the false perceptions and make believe personas. It’s easier to be honest, broke, and real in the Bay than living a fake lifestyle in LA for a whole host of other reasons, which I will not address today. Define yourself by having integrity and security in being who you are today in your life, yet hold on to your aspirations of who you want to be. When you have achieved, then you can “be” but until then, just be “me.” Now that’s “game!”
Kevin L. Nichols is an author, President and CEO of KLN Publishing. LLC located in San Francisco, California. For more information, please visit www.klnpublishing.com.
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